Away from the sun
by HeartKnight31320
Summary: Stiles has been trying so hard to smile. To be that person that makes everything better that when he breaks he has no idea how to fix himself. Warning: Suicide, Anxiety triggers. Slash Sterek, Scott/Allison
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Wolf**_

**Synopsis: Stiles has been hiding behind smiles for far too long.**

_**I am not a child now.  
can take care of myself.  
mustn't let them down now-  
musn't let them see me cry. (1)**_

_Breathe_

_Deep breaths_

Breathe out the pain and in the emptiness that will soon consume your soul and help that smile thats never really been there remain plastered on your face

_Close your eye's and pull in all the pain_

Don't let it escape just breathe it out, bury under the covers of your bed and let the weight and the comfort hold you in its grip, play your music far too loud in the empty house and let the sound vibrate for your walls and hope that it will cover up those pathetic whimpers as you break.

"_Please don't break, don't break." _ Stiles Stillinski whimpers as he curls himself up, legs tight, so tight against his chest. His entire body shaking and he tries to hold himself still but as usual his mind is moving too fast, _too fast _he just needs everything to stop.

"_STOP!" _He screams because he knows no one's home and he just wants to be normal, _just for one bloody day_, but all he sees is his mother- and _no, no don't go there_

"**Come on baby boy, breathe with me."**

She's in his mind now,

_The scent of perfume brushing against his nose as her chocolate coloured locks tickle his nose as she holds him rocking him, he's younger in her arms so she's able to wrap around him_

And he wants that back _so _badly, to be so young again and to have her and to not be fighting to suck in that next breath, that won't come, he wants to be in her arms, engulfed by her scent and so warm as her soft voice is almost like a song as she talks, her voice as soft as silk. He still can't breathe and _oh please no no no no no. _

"_DON'T LET ME BREAK_!"into his pillow, begging the fates for some kind of release as his body twitches and spasms slightly, the unreleased energy bubbling under his skin tightening around his heart and pulling him everywhere and nowhere, he wants to move and wants to sleep and wants not to break.

Because if he falls into that Abyss where the darkness swallows him up, hides away the beauty in the world and steals his smile so all that's left is masks and faces and the grey inside of him takes over him, he'll be lost

The grey that wants to spread around and steal the happiness, but he can't let it- won't let it numb him because despite how much pain, how heartbroken he is now- he loves feeling, loves it with a passion those who haven't lost that feeling will never understood. Because it means he can _connect_that he's not just watching the world go past, always moving and moving, he's part of that world and he's always moving and being and _existing. _is so wonderful, full of anger and hate sometimes, but still there's love and hope and faith and he doesn't ever want to lose the feeling when he eats Curly Fries and hears _her _.

And of course there's pain- there's always pain, but if he doesn't have that pain he forgets its his fault- _and he mustn't ever forget_.

He falls into a state of half sleep somewhere between trying to breathe and finding that all he could smell was _her _perfume across his nose, sometime in the early morning the music he has been playing is turned off and feels someone sit on the bed and lie by him, wrapping him in strong arms and a body that traps the blanket against his body as the person who his exhausted, delusional mind can't recognise, but they kiss the back of his head and he allows himself to calm into the embrace because he's so desperate for any form of affection. He eventually drifts off, the whimpers he barely knew he was producing quieting down to slow murmurs and then heavy breathing, body twitching every so often, but he's so use to the muscle spasms he barely pays them any mind.

Dreams surround him that night, he stands on top of a column in the middle of an abyss full of darkness and the baying werewolves surround below him snapping and snarling as they all look up, blood dripping from their jaws but he recognises them, Scott, Peter, Derek, Erica, Jackson and his father, which he thinks is strange but then ignore even Lydia is a wolf and she is snarling clawing at his columns, baying for his blood. Their howls are angry words, hurtful words

"_It's you, its all you- You know everyday I saw her in that hospital slowly dying_

_I thought how the hell am I supposed to raise this stupid kid on my own?_

_This Hyperactive little bastard who keeps ruining my life!_

_It's all you, its you __**Stiles**__ – you killed your Mother._

_You hear me? You killed her._

_And now You're killing me"_

The sound of glass smashing around him continues as the wolfs howl, lunging, leaping and snapping at his ankles, ready to tear him apart as he sobs and cries, screaming for a saviour

"_Murderer." _His Father

"_Retard!" _His Best friend

" Pathetic!"Lydia

"_Weak."_ Jackson

They go on and on, but in the distance he sees her and she beckons to him, her voice soft and caring and across the darkness of the abyss below he can see her, beautiful in her favourite periwinkle dress, hair tied in a loose plait with daises braided through them and she carries with her memories of summers before, with large floppy sun hats and too big glasses that swallowed up his entire face. The nagging of sun cream and the taste of ice cream and she holds out her arms, ready to simply hold him, he jumps.

"_Stiles!"_

And Falls.

"_Stiles!"_

Into the wolves who snarl and snap as he falls into their jaws, into the darkness. His name being screamed out

"STILES WAKE UP!"

He wakes up in confusion, feeling his body shaking and his throat stinging, he must have been screaming.

"_Stiles, come on son- please wake up baby boy." _A familiar voice begs and Stiles opens his eye's slowly, blinking at the light that floods his eye's- it's the 'good morning' type of morning now not 'go to sleep Stiles' kind of morning and the blurred shape of a person, a man he thinks is crouched by his bed, a callused hand resting on his cheek and a thumb sweeping arcs up and down, until his vision is clear and he can clearly see the person is his Father who smiles at him sadly

"Morning Kiddo, rough night?" He asks, taking in his son's tear streaked face and groggy eye's, the hair that his son has been allowing to grow passed its normal buzz cut stage is messy, sticking out everywhere and his sheets are tangled in his baby boy's long limbs

"_I'm fine Dad." _Stiles whispers as he sits up, crossed legged, blankets tangling around him, his voice sounding strained and a flash of pain crossing his face and all of a sudden Stiles is crying, loud sobs which cause his entire body to shudder as he sobs.

Because he's not fine- and he doesn't know how he'll be fine again. His Dad smiles sadly though and pulls Stiles into a hug, pressing a kiss on top of his head

"I'm calling school kiddo' you can take the day off." His Dad says calmly and Stiles tilts his head up from his fathers chest and looks up at the man

"_I'm okay, I'm okay." _ He whispers as if the words themselves could help heal him, but he lost faith in healing a long time ago. His Dad holds him as he repeats this, a mantra he learnt so long ago. Mummy's dead _but he's okay,_is drunk again _but he's okay,_'s a werewolf _but he's okay,_is missing _but he's okay,_'s murdered a man _but he's okay._

"_No baby boy, you really aren't." _His father whispers and Stiles breaks all over again, crying until he falls asleep again, the man holding him wondering just how everything went so wrong.

Scott turns up later he had received a text from the Sheriff earlier that day, telling him to come urgently after school. Stiles is silent sitting wrapped in a blanket, his hair which he has been growing out in the last couple of months has been smoothed down so much over the course of the day by his worried father.

His friend smiles awkwardly at the Sheriff who nods to Scott and Scott slips next to Stiles who simply stares at him blankly as the Sheriff stands up, removing himself from his sons side, but Stiles didn't react, his eye's barely flickering when the weight on the sofa shifts

"I'm just going to work for a bit okay son? There's been a break in down town, I just need to check- I won't be long." The Sheriff says soothingly and kisses the top of his sons head, smoothing Stiles' hair back again worriedly and shares a look with Scott who already knows what the Sheriff is saying without hearing the words _take care of my boy Scott, he's all I have left. _

So he settles next to his friend, the scent of despair and pain and so much anxiety in the air. He grabs the remote from by Stiles and places a cartoon on, meaningless and silly- but he knows Stiles doesn't want to talk, so he pulls his friend closer to him, wrapping an arm around the boy he's known since once upon a time, and he lets the cartoons play out and murmurs soft jokes to Stiles.

He talks to the boy about the smell of Alison's hair and her smile that lights the room up like sunshine.

He whispers to Stiles about their old dreams about being Ninja-Space-Wizard-Pirates, and their old ship "Stormageddon" The fiercest ships in _all _galaxies where no meanies- like Jackson- were allowed on and _especially_no girls (Except Stiles' and his own mothers, because Cookies and Milk were needed to nourish Ninja-Space-Wizard-Pirates) because this ship was all their own, And on the fierce ship Stormageddon no ADHD existed and Stiles didn't have to take yucky medicine and he could play all day long.

When Stiles still remains silent Scott simply holds him tighter, confused as to why the younger member of his pack is so hurt and so quiet, the only signs of his ADHD the unnatural stillness that possessed Stiles.

But eventually as always a text from Alison comes and she wants to meet and her hair is like chocolate and her smile the warmth of a fire on a cold day and he knows its selfish but he hugs Stiles tighter and kisses his best friends forehead before leaving. Unaware of the damage he was about to cause.

**_**_**_Breathe**_**_**

_**I'm too tired to listen.  
I'm too old to believe:  
All these childish stories.  
There is no such thing as faith,  
And trust,  
And pixie dust. (1)**_

The almost silence of a house when you're alone is unnatural, it's terrifying. On the television a film he remembers from so long ago is playing, a little girl looking out at him and he whispers the words of a song he thought he had understood

"_I am not a child now, I can take care of myself. I Mustn't let them down now. Mustn't let them see me cry. I'm fine. I'm fine._ " He whispers along, remembering his mother once again as the world around him burns a grey. He remembers her dying, remembers Daddy so sad that nothing he did would make it better, but he had to try he had to smile even though he didn't believe in Faith, trust or Pixie dust. He was tired of wishing upon a star, so at her funeral he had remembered these words, clear as day and had whispered them again and again as they buried her, he had let that last tear escape because he refused to let Daddy cry again, even if that hurt him.

And eventually it stopped hurting, he couldn't feel any hurt.

There was no magic in the world and he was okay with that, even if every so often that knowledge stole his breath away, the _bleakness_of life shattered him into pieces. But he's _fine_and that smile could be bigger if you wanted it to be. He'll try, well he tried.

But he's so tired. And everyone's left now, he's alone. His father has Scott and Melissa now and he knows it selfish, _he had told Lydia as much_, but there's no one left apart from his Father who won't move on straight away but he'll move on.

Somehow his body moves before he can catch up with it and he finds himself under a cold stream of water beating down at him as he is under it, fully clothed. The stinging cold of the water causes him to feel almost but he's hardly paying attention to his physical body, he can't particularly feel any pain, _he can't particularly feel anything_.

" You see, death doesn't happen to you. It happens to everyone around you. It happens, to all the people left standing around at your funeral trying to figure out how they're going to live the rest of their lives now without you in it ... but who would come to mine?" Stiles whispers holding a razor in his hand and wondering what it would be like to bleed.

So he does, the water beating down on him in stained from the deep red which is exiting his body from the deep cut in his wrist, the blood trickling down his hand and dancing around his fingers, darkly beautiful. It holds life within it and now it is leaving him, running and dancing along as his vision becomes blurry and maybe he hears someone call his name, screaming at him not to leave, but there's life escaping his wrist and he's too numb to feel.

_And there's no such thing as faith, trust or pixie dust_, by that hand there is no miracles or hope. The world is cruel and dark and he's so _done_, so he closes his eye's and lets go with the feeling of strong arms around him.

"_Baby boy please, please don't leave me alone." _

_**-HK-**_

**So I feel Stiles is always freaking smiling and for once I wanted to kind of cut open those layers you see in glimpses on the show and try and figure out what Stiles might be behind that big ol' sunny grin that Dylan o'brien stole my heart with :)**

_**(1) I'll try - Jonatha Brooke**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **_**I do not own Teen wolf**_

_**I'm over this**__**  
**__**I'm tired of living in the dark**__**  
**__**Can anyone see me down here**__**  
**__**The feeling's gone**__**  
**__**There's nothing left to lift me up**__**  
**__**Back into the world I know**__** (1)**_

He wakes to the sound of beeping and he is breathing, the light hurts his eye's and he squints and wonders if perhaps he's in heaven. If his mother is there, he mumbles for her, unaware and a gasp catches his drowsy attention. And as the light becomes solid shapes and they come into focus he sees his fathers drawn, saddened face. The Sheriff is sitting beside his bed, hand gripping the side his father looks sick, like he hasn't slept in a week and Stiles feels too guilty to look at him so turns his face away

"_Don't_ , don't turn away from me kiddo' _please_." The sheriff begs in a whisper, his voice gruff and Stiles looks back in shock to see his father crying and his eye's widen in shock, Stiles, with much effort shifts his hands on top of his Father's and holds it, squeezing it and trying to give his father a little bit of comfort.

"_Sorry_ ." Stiles rasps slightly and his Father looks devastated and is about to say something when his eye's flicker away from Stiles and to what Stiles figures is the doorway

"He's awake." The Sheriff says softly and Stiles hears a sigh of relief and Melissa McCall enters his vision

"_Oh thank heaven, _ How are you feeling Stiles?" Melissa asks and Stiles knows in a bigger town then Beacon hills he would be with a nurse who doesn't know him, but Beacon hills is permanently understaffed because _who the hell_wants to stay in a small fry town?

"_Peachy_ ." Stiles finds himself saying his throat straining, plastering on a fake smile and Melissa sighs

"That grin won't get you out of this one sweetheart." Melissa says softly and Stiles loses his smile, because he knows she's right

"_Can I have some water?" _He rasps and she smiles gently and nods and a minute later he's sat up slightly, his dad holding him up slightly, the man's hands gripping protectively onto him

"_So what now_?" He says after a while and the room is silent, no one wanting to answer, he sighs and just closes his eye's allowing himself to be pulled into his father's embrace although he still can't feel anything.

And the room is still so quiet, only the sound of his Fathers heartbeat as the man hugs him keeping him company.

It is a week until he's let out of hospital again and he hates the quietness that surrounds him, everyone's walking on eggshells so as to not disturb the crazy son of the Sheriff who looks haggard and drawn, Stiles supposes he feels guilty about this as well, but he's felt guilty for so long that it is just another drop in the ocean. He's angry though under all that for not succeeding

'_Too useless to even get __**that**__ right- what idiot can't even die correctly?' _He thinks as he is lead to his father's car, his Jeep has been confiscated, his father is worried he'll drive it off a cliff.

He's been told that the door to his bedroom has been removed, though when his father who's been by his side all week- well when he's been awake, got time to do that, he'll never know, Said Sheriff is watching him cautiously as he clicks in the seatbelt and he can't blame the man, he's hardly said anything and with his ADHD it's unusual he's quiet, but his ADHD is quieter then it has been, submitting to the Depression and Stiles has been put on another flurry of Medication he has no patience to learn the name of, it's all the same to him.

"Stiles, what are you thinking of son?" The Sheriff asks quietly and Stiles almost wants to answer that he's planning an elaborate suicide plan, but his father is on the edge of a nervous breakdown and with his high cholesterol and heart problems Stiles doesn't want to risk it

"Wondering if Scott picked up any of my homework." Stiles replies instead and the Sheriff nods, even though they both know he's thinking of nothing of the sorts, but for now it's easier to deal with

"You'll have a lot of work I'm sure." His father says quietly and the idea of it is so insignificant it makes him laugh, his father looks back at him, concerned, but he's laughing too hard. _A lot of work to do_! It's fucking hilarious.

"Sorry it's late miss, I thought I would be dead by now." He finds himself saying and he's still laughing but there's tears coming down his cheeks and his laughs get caught in his throat as he tries to hold onto to them but they choke and now he's sobbing, the rumble of the engine cutting off a moment later and his door being opened, body being engulfed in strong arms, kisses being pressed on top of his head

"_I don't know what to do." _ His father confesses because the man's more emotionally stunted than Derek when it comes to comforting other people

"_Neither do I." _ Stiles replies and grips at his Father's shirt and the man sighs.

They don't make it home for another hour and when they do Melissa and Scott are stood on the porch, Scott awkwardly holding a cake and shifting from foot to foot, looking out at the oncoming car anxiously and as Stiles steps out of the car Scott grins at Stiles, who probably looks all sorts of ugly with his cheeks covered in tear marks and his rumpled clothes but smiles awkwardly at Scott who bounds up, but is smart enough to keep a safe enough distance from the crazy boy

"I made you a cake, well Mum helped but I did most of it." Scott says with a huge grin and Stiles can't help but smile sadly back

"_You mean your mum paid for a cake and you decorated it?" _Stiles says his voice barely audible and Scott smiles wider

"Dude that was one time." Scott says and Stiles chuckles under his breath, because Scott never changes, He gets turned into a Werewolf and falls in love but Stiles always expected that and sure Scott's a crappy friend but can you blame him? Melissa is _never_ home, through no fault of her own- she's working to support her only child and she's a bad ass mother when she's around but Scott, like Stiles is used to independence and so doesn't really consider other people when making decisions, but he's still that boy who helped Stiles sleep without the light on. He's still the pirate on their make believe ship and he's still the only person in the world who saw Stiles and smiled back.

"One time too many." Stiles replies shuffling awkwardly but Melissa just rolls her eye's and takes the cake from Scott muttering about _boys_ and all of a sudden Stiles finds himself in Scott's embrace his father and Melissa moving into the house and leaving them to talk and Scott's almost whining as he holds Stiles

"_I thought I had lost you." _ Scott whispers and Stiles huffs

"_I should be so lucky." _ He replies and usually Scott would snigger at that but he growls and Stiles looks up into the now gold eye's which are burning brightly with Scott's righteous anger

"_Don't you dare_! We all thought you were dead- hell do you even know what everyone's been going through?" Scott snaps though he doesn't let go of Stiles who squirms slightly but is pulled closer to Scott who whimpers and grips at Stiles as if afraid his friend would disappear when Scott lets go

"_Didn't think you would care_ ." Stiles confesses and Scott sighs

"_I deserve that. _ I should have been there Stiles and I wasn't but I'm here now, if that means anything to you at all, I'm here and I'm not going to leave, I promise." Scott said firmly and Stiles is the one to whimper, because _finally_ someone understands he doesn't want to be alone _not any more _and finally someone understands, so he wraps his arms around Scott tightly and allows himself to think for half a second that maybe things will get better.

Then Scott's phone vibrates and Stiles watches as his friend struggles with what to do and he sighs and wipes on a fake smile

"Dude it's cool, I'm heading it anyway, answer your phone." He says calmly and Scott lets him go and everything in Stiles is screaming at the betrayal, so instead of waiting to see what Scott will do he hurries back into the house, trying to hold back tears.

_Breathe_

And he feels a familiar panic clawing at his chest and is about to run up the stairs when he feels arms around his waist hugging him

"_I said I wasn't going to leave." _ Scott whispers and Stiles lets his mask fall for the hundredth and turns into his best friend's arms

"And you won't?" Stiles asks and Scott laughs bitterly

"Not even if I wanted to." Scott promises and Stiles snorts

"We're like a bad Disney Movie." Stiles laughs.

They migrate into the living room where the cakes prepared and Scott and Stiles sit shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh and his Dad and Melissa don't comment, just smile and help themselves to some cake and Stiles can push down the feelings of worthlessness and the greyness for just a bit longer as he has someone next to him, making him feel alive. He's been smiling fakely so long that he's forgotten how nice it is to smile for real.

And for that moment it's All right. Even if it's not, even if he's now got deep scars on his wrists and Scott's arm around him is bruising and his father looks like death warmed up, Melissa hardly better, everything is all right as long as he keeps smiling.

_**-HK-**_

**Is this depressing or uplifting? I'm not sure... I really hope you liked it and a review would be awesome :)**

**HK**

**(1) Away from the sun – 3 doors down**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Staring at the bottom of a glass,**_

_**hoping one day you'll make a dream last,**_

_**but dreams come slow and they go so fast,**_

_**You see her when you close your eye's**_

_**Maybe one day you'll understand why**_

_**everything you touch surely dies.**_

_**let her go - Passenger**_

Derek Hale wasn't always like this.

Once upon a time he had been so much _more_ then this; once upon a time when his mother would sing along to the radio and his father would come in and wrap his arms around her waist and kiss her softly before greeting his children who would have been grimacing at the display of affection.

Once upon a time when Laura had been alive and so full of _life_, strutting through the house and dancing and singing Barbra Streisand at the top of her lungs, falling dramatically against walls and sofa's as she sang, '_becoming the role'_ she called it.

Once upon a time when his Uncle had been looking forward to his wife getting pregnant, they had been trying for _so long_- but Peter wasn't bitter there was enough laughter of children and family who loved him to take his mind off of the quietness.

And Derek; well Derek had been a prankster, if the house was filled with laughter- then Derek's was the loudest. The kid that would constantly find himself being '_scolded'_ by an adult who was so desperately trying not to laugh.

But then Kate came and the flames she brought silenced the laughter and now Derek was as much of a burnt out husk as his joke of a home.

And now his beautiful sister was dead, Peter was gone and he was stuck with a bunch of Teenage werewolves and a Stiles.

_Stiles_, the boy with the loudest laugh and the prettiest damned eye's Derek had ever seen, like sunlight through whisky. They glowed unashamedly gold and defiant to the end; not that Derek would ever let the boy know that. Stiles was hot, but Derek was broken and Stiles deserved so much more. So all he could do was try and reign in his wolf and hope to any deity that the boy didn't realize just how attractive he _was_. All he could hope was that the laughter would continue

Derek sighs as his phone goes off again, it's been doing it all day and he's getting bored with it, moving to it angrily he picks it up and finds that he has about 40 missed calls all from Scott, he sighs and answers the still ringing phone

"What." He snaps and he hears a sob

"_It's Stiles." _Scott gasps through the phone and Derek snarls, Scott is probably the only human alive

"What, Scott?" Derek snaps and he hears continued crying and a shuffle

"_He's in hospital, he tried to kill himself." _ Another voice, Alison, informs him, her voice strained.

And Derek falls silent, his phone dropping to the cold ground as he falls to his knee's, arms wrap around him barely a minute later and someone picks up the phone and talks, but Derek can barely hear a thing, instead he remains staring at the ground only picking up some words

"_Blood everywhere."_

"...no he hasn't stabilised..."

"...the bite isn't advisable."

" Derek ?" The voice besides him whispers and he looks up to see Isaac looking down at him, eye's glistening with tears, obviously having overheard the phone call.

" It's fine, I can bite him, it's fine." Derek hears himself say but he knows its no good. The bite requires the victim to _fight_ to live and Stiles' body has given up with the boy and how could he be so _stupid_, how could the boy with golden eye's and the brightest smile not stopped smiling? Why had he let them believe he was okay? _Was it so bad he believed he wasn't allowed to be broken_?

Derek snarls in frustration as his thoughts run rampant around him, like his words never could. Brushing off Isaac he shifts and runs.

And he doesn't stop until a week later, when his body is heaving with exhaustion. He's barely eaten and he looks like crap but he knows he had to return, he's fed up of running now. He finds the phone he discarded, twitching at the amount of messages and phone calls he scrolls through them all before he comes across Stiles name and opens the message

_I'm Sorry. _

Derek collapses to his knee's and checks the date; yesterday morning...which meant Stiles was alive, the boy with the sunshine smile was alive and Derek wasn't waiting a moment longer to see that smile again and he stumbles to his feet and walks.

Stiles' house smells of despair and hope and blood and Derek's wolf is howling in anger in his mind prowling and whining that Derek should have prevented this should have saved his boy's sunshine smile and with that in mind Derek presses call on his phone and hears the ringtone in the house go off

"_Derek_?" A soft voice says through the receiver and Derek breathes like he hasn't in a week and once again drops to the ground

"I thought you were dead..._I thought you had left me alone." _Derek growls down the phone and he hears Stiles' low gasp

"_I-I'm sorry, I was selfish; I-I didn't think you'd care." _Stiles whimpers and Derek wants nothing more but to be holding his boy against him right now

"Come outside, I need to see you." Derek orders and he hears Stiles laugh nervously and if that isn't music to Derek's ear then nothing is

"_You aren't going to kill me are you? _Because my Dad's literally just gone to the shops for ten, twenty minutes and he's locked the bathroom so I don't do it myself so I don't think he'd be happy if you did it yourself." Stiles babbles nervously and Derek snarls

"Outside. Now." Derek commands and he hears the shuffling in the house and watches as the front door opens and Stiles steps outside, looking small and fragile, the defiant whisky gold eye's barely an ember of what they had been before and Stiles nervously shuffles towards Derek looking up through long eyelashes up at the Alpha wolf who as soon as Stiles' stops moving wraps his arms around the young human

"_Stupid, foolish pup. How can you not now how much you're worth." _Derek whispers although he knows Stiles won't believe it especially if the stiffening of the delicate frame is any indication

"_I'm sorry._"Stiles whimpers and Derek simply grips the younger boy tighter resting his chin on top of Stiles head and Stiles begins crying, not quite knowing why

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Derek says calmly and Stiles starts

"I do _I was immature and Selfish_! How could I do that to my Dad, to Scott _to you_? Why do I still feel like I want to!" Stiles snaps pushing at Derek who catches the young boy's wrists in his hands looking at the cuts on the delicate skin and then back to Stiles

"Because you are hurting and pain demands healing." Derek says calmly and Stiles sobs at this his beautiful eye's wild and desperate

"_I don't want to be alone any more. I don't want to feel like this_." Stiles whispers and moves closer to Derek who holds him

"_Then tell me how you feel." _Derek murmurs.

And Stiles does. He tells Derek about the loneliness in his soul, the emptiness and the grey of the universe around him. He whispers how sometimes he hates his mother for dying and leaving him with a Father who loves him but who hasn't been able to connect with him in years. He tells Derek about Scott leaving him _all the time_, walking away and leaving Stiles, who cannot connect with those around him despite his best efforts, alone. Derek listens about the vastness of the universe and how bloody insignificant Stiles feels against the burning brilliance of those around him. How Lydia's cold rejection is Stiles' one constant; because Stiles has _never been good enough_ and each little word breaks into Derek further and further

"_What if it's like this forever Derek? What if no one ever loves me?" _Stiles whispers, head tucked under Derek's chin and Derek doesn't know how to answer because he can't- not right now, this isn't a movie and if Derek imposes his feelings on this fragile teenager below him Stiles might break

" Don't ever believe that you'll never be loved. _You'll be loved from here to the moon_." Derek says softly and Stiles shifts so he can look up at Derek

"My Mother used to say it to us; when we were younger." Derek says softly and Stiles immediately looks mortified

"_What am I doing? _I'm so sorry, you must think I'm selfish as hell- your problems are a thousand times worst then mine and here I am whining _I'm so sorry."_ Stiles starts and begins stepping away and Derek growls in anger

"I didn't mention that because I'm dismissing your problem Stiles! I mentioned it because it's all I can tell you about love- It's all I can say without telling you that I-" Derek cuts himself off, choking on the turmoil in his soul

"I?" Stiles asks and Derek snarls, something ugly in him rearing up

_You aren't good enough for him, you'll never be live, protect him, you aren't good enough_

"_Nothing_." Derek growls back, closing off and Stiles notices immediately and steps back further, arms crossing over his chest in defence and comfort as Stiles holds himself and it's just another reminder to Derek who knows that _he _should be holding the boy with the sunshine smile

"Sorry." Stiles says his voice hurting and Derek's wolf howls within him and he closes his eye's and sighs

"No. It's me. I'm sorry Stiles, I'm broken and hurting and I'll try to help you feel better but I can't promise you a miracle healing." Derek said and watched as the words washed over the boy.

And then Stiles smiled, tentatively and unsure but to Derek it was bright as the dawn rising after the darkness and all of a sudden the stupid reckless boy in front of him hugs him, murmuring "_please don't kill me_." into Derek's neck and Derek allows himself to take in the boys scent and hug him back

"_Thank you." _Stiles whispers before stepping back again

"For what?" Derek asks and Stiles smiles at him

"For not pretending it's all okay." Stiles says softly and Derek hears the Sheriff's car approaching and looks to the side and Stiles smiles sadly

"You can go if you need to." Stiles says gently and Derek looks down at him

"Your fathers back. If you need me, call." Derek says and Stiles nods and his eye's light up with something and before Derek can do anything Stiles has pressed a chaste kiss to his lips

"_Thank you._" Stiles repeats quickly cheeks burning red and before Derek can do anything Stiles has started to run back to his house.

Derek stares for a bit longer and then turns away and disappears before the Sheriff can spot him and shoot him.

Derek Hale wasn't always like this; And maybe he won't always have to be.


End file.
